Vaping (d. 2023)
RIP
I cannot remember a thing Philip Schofield said in his tortured televised apology last week. Neither can you probably. Here is the thing we both remember: Philip Schofield is apologising whilst smoking a Lost Mary. Philip Schofield is vaping until his fingers blister. Philip Schofield, disgraced television host, exists in an atmosphere of pure distilled double apple. Has there even been a worse advertisement for vaping?
Well, yes, probably. Vaping has never been chic. But Philip Schofield’s Lost Mary is the final nail in the coffin of the whole sordid affair that began with Juuls and before that those big, jetpack style bricks your aunt smoked on Christmas Day every year until she switched to Elf Bars. Vaping peaked with Elf Bars, piling up in the fields at every post-pandemic day festival, and now the decline is here. That which rises must fall! Novelty becomes boredom! And so, an obituary for vaping.
Cause of death: Philip Schofield.
Or, cause of death: Elon Musk and the guy from Drake and Josh joking about vaping in space. The Spectator saying “Elf Bars need to be less sexy.” Ironic ‘have you seen my vape’ featuring cartoon man in beanie hat iPhone case is $20, down from $25. The sexy vape shop in Shoreditch is now a sexy BBQ shop instead.
Or, cause of death: Flavoured vapes are on their way to being banned in the UK. They announced this before the tortured-daytime-tv-apology-interview association, even. It’s because Elf Bars are bad for the environment. This is kind of boring to say, because everything is bad for the environment, so there’s a fait accompli vibe to this, but then you (me) walk your dog (my dog) on Peckham Rye the day after Gala and he tries to eat first a tampon and then three separate discarded kiwi passionfruit guava Elf Bars and you think, yeah, cigarette butts are less annoying than this. Please, Tayto, put that down, the five a side footballers are laughing at us.
Or perhaps, cause of death: Someone I know telling me they are currently up to three a day watermelon Elf Bars, meaning it is now a habit on par, financially speaking, with cigarettes, and calling it “the most uncool addiction I have ever had”.
Maybe, a death rattle rally with: Lana Del Rey, the only cool person to vape (alive), becoming a meme by searching for her vape on stage constantly, finding her vape, placing her vape in a safe place for her live shows (in the microphone stand). Or Eve Babitz, the only cool person to vape (dead) having a vape as part of her final resting place at Hollywood Forever. Or the fact that every boring tradcath meme account keeps making jokes about rejecting modernity — Monster energy drinks and Elf Bars — and embracing tradition — cigarettes and black coffee — in a way that is actually so painfully unfunny and annoying that it is maybe ironically making vaping somehow chic. Almost.
But finally cause of death: Kylie Jenner is photographed with Marlboro Golds and is praised for embracing tradition (smoking) and rejecting modernity (being on Ozempic). Jenna Ortega is photographed smoking at a coffee shop with her friend. Lily Rose Depp puffs her way through 60 painful minutes of The Idol’s opening episode. The internet is puritanical and scandalised by this. It is not cool to smoke! Smoking is really bad for you! People keep posting. Smoking kills! Does Jenna Ortega know this?! We can assume Jenna Ortega knows this. Everyone knows this. Everyone knows smoking kills. I know this! But alas, as a viral soundbite from Katya Zamolodchikova tells us: “Smoking’s horrible! Why are people smoking? Love smoking. Love it.” We love things that are bad for us, yadda yadda yadda. It’s probably going to be proven to be true that vaping is bad for us too, in the future, maybe. And then when this is proven nobody will vape anymore, instantly. They will not be tempted by warning labels on vapes like these delicious, sexy warning labels on individual Canadian cigarettes. If something is bad for us and it also looks and feels ridiculous, we will avoid it. We will not be tempted by photos of celebrities vaping, and the reason for that is — I have checked before — there are simply no photos of celebrities vaping, with the notable exception of Lana Del Rey (chic). And of course, Philip Schofield (unchic).
Vaping, we hardly knew ye.
This week I read
The Vegetarian by Han Kang
This week I wrote a short story for the new issue of The London Magazine, which you can now read in full online, and an investigation into why film and TV is obsessed with looking like the inside of an IKEA showroom, for i-D.